


Toothpaste

by ALzzza



Series: Heart of the Home [3]
Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU, DCU (Comics)
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Damian is Grumpy, Dick Grayson Doesn't Want To Know About Their Criminal Activity, Domestic Fluff, F/F, Family Fluff, Fluff, Food Fight, Homophobia, I Don't Even Know, Justice, Sibling Rivalry, Theft, What Was I Thinking?, also i intended the kiss to be platonic but you could easily ship stephcass so whatever, but it's just really weird, everyone likes to give Tim shit, for like a second, for some reason Damian keeps ending up with frying pans, i swear they're joking, i wish i could say this was, idk - Freeform, it's all a blur, it's not specific, should we be concerned?, shrugs, talk of incest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-10
Updated: 2019-05-10
Packaged: 2020-02-29 09:22:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18775405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ALzzza/pseuds/ALzzza
Summary: “We areterribleinfluences on each other.”All the Batkids present seem to be in agreement—more so, none of them actually seem to care.Or, The Batkids Minus Dick Are Left Unsupervised, Things Happen





	Toothpaste

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: No fruit was wasted in the making of this fic.

It’s not a common occurrence for all the Bat kids to end up together without Dick there to supervise, which is why it’s so strange to see them all huddled together walking through the local produce market. Some might suggest a case, others a simple family trip, most likely they’ve just finished burying Dick’s body in some secluded park and need to be seen together in a crowded place for an alibi.

 

Still, there are Jason, Cass, Tim, Steph, Duke _and_ Damian, altogether. _Not_ murdering each other.

 

It’s really fucking weird.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Why are we here again?” Tim complains loudly, huddled up in a jumper three sizes too big to actually be _his_.

 

“Alfred needs oranges.” Jason supplies, scanning the stalls around him as they walk.

 

“It’s cold and we like to torment you?” Duke suggests.

 

While Cass just looks at Tim and says, “Toothpaste.”

 

“Ah Cass,” Tim drawls helpfully, “This is a _fruit_ and _vegetable_ market. I don’t think they’ll have toothpaste.”

 

Cass frowns deeply, not looking like she believes him very much. “Aw, don’t worry Cass!” Steph enthuses, throwing her arm around her, “I’m sure you’ll find toothpaste!” Damian just pouts, grumbling something that is _definitely_ an insult.

 

“What’s that, short stack?” Jason asks loudly, leaning heavily on Damian before almost tripping over when he stops walking abruptly—hands waving as he balances himself.

 

“Don’t be mean to Damian.” Steph says snidely, smiling in amusement at Jason where he almost face plants into a stall of apples.

 

“I do not need you to help me, _Brown_.” Damian snaps, baring his teeth. He looks a little like an unhappy kitten.

 

Jason completely ignores Damian, says to Steph over his head, “I’m his big brother. That’s my _job_.”

 

Damian bares his teeth at both of them, jumping in front of Steph to declare, “This is a _family_ _matter_! You are not nor ever will be apart of this family, _Brown_! Leave!”

 

They all continue walking not bothered, though Cass does reach over and pat Damian’s head. Saying, “ _Bad_.” Even as Tim asks to no one in particular, “ _Is_ this a family matter? Getting _oranges_.” He sounds doubtful.

 

“Toothpaste.” Cass corrects, Tim shakes his head, flapping his arm at her unconcerned as if to say, _yeah, yeah_.

 

Duke seems to think for a minute, then says nodding, “Well. It is _Alfred_ that asked, so yeah. Probably.”

 

“In that case,” Steph starts brightly, “I’d like to think of myself as that cousin you see all the time and _aren’t really_ sure how they’re related.”

 

Damian seems to lose all hope, complains loudly, “ _Why are you here_?”

 

“I just _told_ you, I’m that one cousin—”

 

“Wait,” Tim breaks in frowning, “What does that make me?”

 

Jason speaks up, still looking around for oranges, “Incestuous.” Tim makes a face at that, nose scrunched up in displeasure even as Steph laughs, not looking very concerned that that would make her incestuous _also_.

 

“Man, this family is crazy. Not only are there like, thirty of you, but you’re starting to turn to each other for a lovin’.”

 

“That,” Duke says slowly, “Is _not_ a sentence I ever thought I’d hear—let alone be included in.”

 

Tim on his part hasn’t stopped making faces of disgust, “Ew, you guys are so _gross_.”

 

“Aw what’s wrong Timmy,” Jason asks wickedly, “Are we not good enough for you?” He leans towards Tim making kissy faces. Timmy looks well and truly panicked; hands flying everywhere—tries to backtrack only to run into Duke’s chest sending them sprawling. Jason just laughs at them, throws his head back and laughs _harder_ when Tim takes in how they landed, sprawled together, and jumps about a foot in the air trying to get away.

 

Duke gets up with a crooked smirk, not looking too offended when Tim ends up about three meters away from him, still eyeing them like a spooked animal. Jason has finally calmed down, wiping tears of mirth from his eyes, only to lose all trace of humor when Cass and Steph share sly grins.

 

“What,” He asks suspiciously, looking guarded, “Are those faces for?”

 

The girls just continue to share grins like this is some inside joke between them that Jason should know about. “ _No_ , I know those faces,” He eyes them distrustfully, “Why are they aimed at _me_?”

 

“What?” Steph starts sweetly, “You don’t think you and Tim would make the best couple?”

 

Jason drags his hand down his face, covering his eyes for several seconds before saying, “ _No_ , I do _not_.” The others are watching the proceedings with interest, even Tim has chosen to ignore the girls comment in favor of finding out whatever he’s missing.

 

Cass and Steph share another glance before nodding, “Dick then. He was our second choice.”

 

“Are you _kidding me_! You promised not to include me in that!” He looks rather distressed, but the girls just continue to grin.

 

Duke shares a glance with Damian then asks to no one in particular, “What is _happening_?”

 

Steph smirks, says conversationally, “Did you know, that a fair chunk of Gotham ships the Wayne family together?”

 

Damian frowns at them deeply, while Tim just asks in horror, “Why would they _do_ that?”

 

Cass answers, unconcerned, “ _Cute_.”

 

Duke shrugs. “Yeah, I could see that.” Puts his hands up in surrender when Tim and Damian look to him, “ _What_? You’re all like ridiculously good-looking, why _wouldn’t_ they?”

 

Steph nods in agreement, “There’s even people who ship Bruce with you guys.” The boys minus Jason, who seems to have gone through this before, pull faces.

 

“Bruce is like so much older than us! And our _dad_.” Tim winces—face still screwed up, “That’s so gross.”

 

Jason looks towards Cass and Steph, seeming to decide something before saying, “Okay. I get why you think Tim and Damian is a good choice—the pigtail pulling is a mess, but _really_ , me and _Replacement_? How is that a good idea?”

 

Tim and Damian round on Jason outrage pulling at their faces. Damian doesn’t even say anything, just flips off the ground and kicks Jason in the face.

 

Jason winces, hand to his cheek, letting out a belated, “ _Ow_.” As Damian lands, straightens and looks to Cass and Steph. “The family failures are by far the better suiters, maybe together they will actually amount to something.”

 

“Wow, thanks Damian.” Tim says, looking tired, cold and emotional distressed with his too big hoodie over his head—like he’s trying to hide away from this conversation.

 

“Wait, who do you think I’d be best with?” Duke asks them curiously.

 

Steph loops their arms together, says cheerfully, “You’re with me and Cass, hot stuff. We’re going to ride off into the sunset and avenge justice, happily ever after.” Cass nods, appearing on his other side and loops their hands together similarly.

 

Duke just shrugs, seems to accept this fate fairly fast. “Okay then.”

 

It’s at this point that some stall owner further up starts yelling homophobic slurs at a young couple, who are trying to ignore him looking rather harassed. They look to each other in silent agreement. Jason saying to Cass and Steph, “You cause a distraction, then punch him in the fucking _face _.” Cass and Steph grin wickedly, not looking at all opposed to that idea.__

____

 

__

The boys sneak off, but not before seeing Steph yell loudly, “Hey asshole!” Getting his attention away from the couple before turning to Cass, dipping her lowly and smacking a kiss flat on her lips.

__

 

__

 

__

* * *

__

 

__

 

__

“This is a terrible idea.” Tim says.

__

 

__

“No, it’s not,” Is Jason’s brilliant counter argument, “He was being a dick.”

__

 

__

“What if we get caught?” Tim hisses, watching.

__

 

__

“We’ll tell him not to be a dick.” Then adds, “And get Cass and Steph to kiss again—that was funny.”

__

 

__

Tim snorts like he doesn’t disagree.

__

 

__

“There.” Jason says, finished stacking in the boxes of mandarins. Looks to where Damian’s standing, carrying his own boxes—unable to see over the top of them as they are quite literally taller than he is.

__

 

__

“Kid, come here and give me the stolen fruit like a good boy.”

__

 

__

Damian does, but not before letting out a customary, “I will murder you in your sleep.”

__

 

__

“Okay, sport.”

__

 

__

Duke watches them—holding four boxes of his own, says, “I feel like this makes us terrible people, but I’m not even sorry.”

__

 

__

Jason continues stacking the boxes in the car, saying, “That’s because he was a terrible person. This is karma. Besides,” He adds when Tim doesn’t look convinced, “We left him _some_ fruit.”

__

 

__

Tim doesn’t look impressed, deadpans, “Four boxes, we left _four_ boxes. And that’s only because we couldn’t carry anymore.”

__

 

__

Jason snorts, “I don’t know what you want me to say, Replacement. None of you were complaining when we _stole_ the fruit.”

__

 

__

Tim opens his mouth to say something else, but Steph and Cass come running towards them, grinning. They skid to a halt in front of them, looking at the many boxes of mandarins Jason’s stacking in the back of their car and say together, “Cool getaway car.”

__

 

__

Jason nods, says to Tim, “Be more like your sister and incestuous cousin, Tim. They _get_ it.”

__

 

__

Tim frowns down at his stack of stolen fruit but otherwise doesn’t reply.

__

 

__

“This is great,” Steph says grinning, holding her own box of fruit in the backseat because they’d run out of room in the trunk, “Now we’re literally riding off into the sunset, with our avenged justice, happily ever after.” She gestures widely in front of them. Jason in the driver’s seat, Duke next to him, everyone else in the back holding a box each, watching the sun set in front of them as they drive to the manor.

__

 

__

Tim sighs next to her, looks down mournfully at the fruit and says, “We are terrible influences on each other.” Damian doesn’t look like he minds very much, already eating his stolen fruit.

__

 

__

Duke however nods in agreement, “We’re terrible people.” He seems to have accepted this fact.

__

 

__

Jason remains firm, driving through the manor gates, “This is _karma_.”

__

 

__

They pull up, unpack all the boxes, placing them in the kitchen; stare at their stolen mandarin horde, boxers littering every available space on the frankly _huge_ dining table, in silence for a while.

__

 

__

“I feel like,” Duke starts not moving his eyes away from the mass of orange that is now their kitchen and life, apparently, “I’ve accidently joined a mandarin cult. You guys would definitely tell me if we started a cult, right?”

__

 

__

Steph lights up beside him, “Maybe. But we should totally start a mandarin cult! That would be _so_ fun.”

__

 

__

“What would we even _do_?” Tim is staring at the mandarin’s like he doesn’t quite know what they’re for.

__

 

__

“Sit around with our awesome stolen justice fruit, _duh_.”

__

 

__

Everyone nods at Steph’s suggestion, even Damian seems to be in agreement. Saying quietly from his spot beside Jason, “First rule of mandarin cult, don’t talk about mandarin cult.”

__

 

__

Tim gasps loudly, dramatically falling against the counter, “Oh my god, was that a _joke_?”

__

 

__

Jason looks down at Damian with a smirk, says, “We’re all going to die.” Damian just raises an eyebrow, unimpressed.

__

 

__

“ _You_ might.”

__

 

__

It’s about then Dick walks into the kitchen; takes one glance at the boxes before grabbing three mandarins and starting to juggle, because _apparently_ , he has no chill. “What’s with all the fruit?” He asks, throwing them higher and higher the longer he juggles. He’s actually pretty good, the fruit almost hitting the ceiling by the time Jason grabs one of his own and pegs it at him. Dick catches it just before it hits his chest but doesn’t manage to save the fruit already in the air. They all watch in silence as it falls to the floor, splitting in half.

__

 

__

Everyone stares at it for a while then Steph speaks up from where she has her phone out, filming it, “Well. That was dramatic.”

__

 

__

It breaks the lull, and Dick shrugs—picks the fruit off the floor, peeling it easily then shoves half of it wholly in his mouth. Swallows loudly then asks, “No seriously, what’d you guys do? Steal it?” They look at each other in silence before looking back at Dick. He eyes them wary, asks edgily, “Am I becoming part of a theft?”

__

 

__

Cass must be their unspoken leader because see looks Dick straight in the eye, face blank and says, “If we told you, we’d have to kill you.”

__

 

__

Dick’s eyes widen and he regards them all in turn again. Seems to accept this answer nonetheless because he says, “'Kay. What ya gonna do with it all?”

__

 

__

They all look at each other again, share a silent conversation that is mostly just shrugs. What _are_ they going to do with it?

__

 

__

That’s how various members of their group end up sprawled around the floor, eating mandarins lazily when they drop with a thud, Damian seems quite happy sitting there eating fruit while he pats Alfred the cat—but mostly everyone’s just watching Dick.

__

 

__

Dick’s juggling five at a time as Jason throws more fruit at him periodically. Dick leaps to catch them, not stopping his task, getting a record of ten before all of them fall to the floor.

__

 

__

Steph _boo_ s in complaint from her place on the ground, starts throwing the many mandarin peels surrounding her at them. It’s not long before the others join in, chucking handfuls of orange skin at Jason and Dick—laughing.

__

 

__

The boys share a _look_ before turning around, grabbing whole fruits out of the boxes throwing it at them.

__

 

__

They yell and shriek their outrage, quickly scrambling out of the way. Duke dives for cover, hiding behind the kitchen counter. Cass and Tim are busy collecting all the ammo they can before jumping the counter as well, using it as cover as they peg mandarins back at them.

__

 

__

Jason and Dick are still out in the open, throwing tiny orange missile after tiny orange missile at Steph and Damian where they’re somehow standing _on_ the counter. Steph and Damian don’t even have to share glance and then they’re letting out battle cries, jumping onto Dick and Jason’s back with ferocity. Steph’s loud cry of, “ _Attack_!” echoing around the room.

__

 

__

Tim, Duke and Cass’s heads pop up to look over the counter in unison. They share a glance, seeming to decide Steph and Damian are fair game where they’re attacking Dick and Jason like they’re out for blood in the middle of the room, and start throwing the orange fruit at them with vigor.

__

 

__

Dick tries, simultaneously, to dodge the flying projectiles while loosening Steph’s death grip. Jason just looks at the incoming fruit and turns around. Putting Damian between him and flying balls of hell; using Damian as a human shield where he’s hanging from his neck for a few seconds—Damian on his part quickly finds hanging there foolish, climbs onto Jason’s shoulders before launching himself at Dick and Steph with a cry, sending them _both_ crashing to the ground.

__

 

__

Jason freed, grins wickedly at the Duke, Cass and Tim Alliance. Grabbing an entire _box_ of mandarins and chucking its contents at them. Tim looks up at the hundred balls hurtling towards them and screams, “ _Scatter_!” Launching himself out of the way. Cass backflips gracefully landing on her feet clean across the room while Duke just grabs a frying pan to use as a shield.

__

 

__

They’re all panting by the time someone clears their throat from the doorway, everyone freezing where they stand to look up, fruit still posed to throw at each other. Damian has somehow stolen Duke’s frying pan and has it raised about to hit Tim in the face. Jason on his part had been slowly sneaking behind him, crouched down about to launch Damian into the air. Cass and Duke are sat on the table, calmly eating fruit while occasionally throwing it; having decided quickly that it was more fun to watch their family tear each other apart then be torn apart. Speaking of, Dick and Steph had somehow ended up on opposite ends of the room, grinning widely as they throw fruit after fruit at each other, not letting up for a second.

__

 

__

So, when Alfred walks in they look a lot like the guilty children they _are_. He takes in the state of the room with a quick glance. Raises an eyebrow at them and asks, “I assume you got the oranges I asked after?”

__

 

__

Tim and Jason share a look of pure panic over Damian’s frying pan before looking back at Alfred. “Uhhh,” Jason says, mouth open, “These aren’t oranges?” He tries, fake shock taking over his face. And as if on que everyone except for Cass and Dick, who looks genuinely surprised, and doesn’t actually know what the hell any of this has to do with oranges, respectively—suddenly look down at the mandarins scattered on the floor and in their hands with expertly forged, hugely alarmed faces like they just can’t _believe_ the fruit they’d gotten Alfred wasn’t the fruit he’d asked for.

__

 

__

Then Cass hops off the table, walks over to Alfred ignoring everyone as see goes, stepping over fruit delicately, and hands him a single tube of pristine toothpaste. “Ah yes. Thank you, Miss Cassandra. At least _one_ of you has shown reliable.”

__

 

__

Tim just splutters out his shock, looking entirely done with everything, “ _How_?!”

__

 

__

Steph pats his shoulder reassuringly, whispers to the room completely covered in mandarins, “You don’t question the mythical being that is Cassandra Cain.”

__

**Author's Note:**

> Bonus: “Come on Alfred!” Jason complains, cleaning up fruit. Holds a mandarin up for inspection and says, “They’re fine! We just tenderized ‘em a bit.”
> 
> Alfred holds sever, eyebrow raised, “And the bruises covering your siblings, Master Jason?”
> 
> Dick winces, pokes the large bruise forming on his eye and says, “ _We’re _tenderized a bit.”__
> 
> __Jason snorts—looks at Dick with a grin. “And don’t you look all the better for it, Dickie?”_ _
> 
> __“Yeah, but you just look like your normal edgy, bad boy self, right Little Wing?” Dick mocks, obnoxiously cheerful as he picks up fruit of his own, referring to the easily seen bruises on Jason’s face and arms._ _
> 
> __((Yes, Jason and Dick get landed with clean up. No, I’m not going to tell you how that goes. Comments are life! Tell me what ya think! ;) ))_ _


End file.
